don't care cuz I'm trying to be human

Half of me is filled with
bursting words and half
of me is painfully reserved. I
yearn for time to myself yet I
crave to be around people. i want to
bring life, love, and passion into
everything i do yet im treated like i
don't know how to do that so i don't.
i want to check my hair in the mirror but
am scared of the pang i'll feel when i see my
guts and everything in me spilled
on my sleeve. do i look like the mess
that my life is? is it okay to look like this?
i crave the feeling of aliveness
but that calculus packet tells me otherwise and
so does that flow of trafficking
teenagers going the opposite way as me.
do I wear high school sickness on my sleeve?
i want to be heard but i act like i am
so therefore i never am,
i'm happy but there are times when inside
i feel heavy. i want to live in the trust
of my intuition yet i also want to
let people tell me what to do because
apparently thinking for yourself is too
much work for our wired brains.
we are complicated creatures.
Contradicting....very contradicting
i feel like a robot sometimes
because acting like one is easy.
especially when im tired. or when
my life at home takes priority over school.
just because we act like robots
doesn't mean we are them. sometimes
being a robot is what gets me through
the day. being human takes work.
being human means smiling, it
means crying, it beings making sense
or not making sense, it means being real,
it means bleeding in a society
that says the color red is too messy.
Being robots mean good ACT scores
late nights, and early mornings, AP
classes, college, knowing what your major is
and the like. In a society that says
these are more important
than stopping to breathe, who can blame me
or us or anyone for going robot on you?
Being human means going against the mainstream
and at the moment that controlling current is almost
right over my head.

Ps. I don't care if this doesn't make sense because im trying to be human